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Switchboard message at the Mental Health Institute

  1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
  2. If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you
  3. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6
  4. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call
  5. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship
  6. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press
  7. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer
  8. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line
  9. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, adress, phone number, date of birth, social security number and you mother's maiden name
  10. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000
  11. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.... If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.... If you have short-term memory loss, press 9....
  12. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you
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