I Don't Believe They Said That (pt.1)!
These are all actual tube (train) announcements: (from a variety of sources)
- "I apologise for the delay to your journey this evening; this was caused by a [shouts very loudly] BLOODY
STUPID WOMAN TRYING TO PULL THE DOORS OPEN AFTER THEY HAD CLOSED AND THEN CLINGING ONTO THE SIDE OF THE
- "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of
the doors' don't you understand?"
- At Camden Town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first.
Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers
off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
- Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger
masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the
- "Ladies and Gentlemen, do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was
my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a
card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure
somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to
stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line, simply get out, walk up the platform and go back to where we
started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.
Let me start you off: `Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?'"
- "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome - not
knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
- "Please mind the closing doors..." (The doors close...then reopen). "Passengers are reminded that the big red
slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors."
(The doors close.) "Thank you."
- "I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wondered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know
when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."